Christmas is supposed to be the season of joyfulness, giving, family, festivities, all round good cheer.
And yet, when I was told that the theme for our December duologues would be 'Christmas', an entirely different feeling was evoked.
For several years now Christmas has brought with it an overarching sense of dread.
It's not that the extended family are horrid and the thought of spending another minute with them is just too much to bear. It's not even the hypocrisy of Christmas that greets you when you enter a shopping centre any day after September 1.
I suppose it's the culmination of
Have I forgotten anything?
For the past decade my sister and I have tried to take the weight of some of these preparations off the shoulders of our mother as we had time off after school, after uni, after exams ended to write the necessary cards, start the ridiculous amounts of baking.
Unfortunately all this means is that the dread of Christmas has simply spread. Now it falls on my shoulders in addition to my mother's and is unlikely to shift any time soon.
The two years I lived in London were some of the more enjoyable Festive seasons I can remember; family free, hassle free. Just food, alcohol and the ability to do exactly what you want, when you want (provided you were happy not to go anywhere but enjoy what you had around you)
Writing a 10 minute duologue, this is the direction in which I was inextricably pulled; the unutterable delight in the possibility of a Christmas at home but with no family and none of the usual prelude.
Perhaps it is a wild dream...
And yet, when I was told that the theme for our December duologues would be 'Christmas', an entirely different feeling was evoked.
For several years now Christmas has brought with it an overarching sense of dread.
It's not that the extended family are horrid and the thought of spending another minute with them is just too much to bear. It's not even the hypocrisy of Christmas that greets you when you enter a shopping centre any day after September 1.
I suppose it's the culmination of
- writing dozens of christmas cards to people you haven't seen in so long or have seen so recently that there is really nothing to say
- cleaning the house and garden if we're the ones fortunate enough to host Christmas this year.
- making the christmas cake and trying not to eat all of the glace cherries before the cake is made
- buying meaningful presents that people actually want for every member of the family.
- deciding upon something a little different to cook for the Christmas day lunch.
- deciding where to go for the Christmas eve picnic.
- deciding what nibbles to take for Christmas eve
- making the innumerable desserts that Christmas wouldn't be complete without.
- doing some of Granddad's shopping for him
Have I forgotten anything?
For the past decade my sister and I have tried to take the weight of some of these preparations off the shoulders of our mother as we had time off after school, after uni, after exams ended to write the necessary cards, start the ridiculous amounts of baking.
Unfortunately all this means is that the dread of Christmas has simply spread. Now it falls on my shoulders in addition to my mother's and is unlikely to shift any time soon.
The two years I lived in London were some of the more enjoyable Festive seasons I can remember; family free, hassle free. Just food, alcohol and the ability to do exactly what you want, when you want (provided you were happy not to go anywhere but enjoy what you had around you)
Writing a 10 minute duologue, this is the direction in which I was inextricably pulled; the unutterable delight in the possibility of a Christmas at home but with no family and none of the usual prelude.
Perhaps it is a wild dream...
Tis the Season…The festive season is rapidly approaching. Alex and Bernadette (known as Bernie) are siblings in their late 20s, early 30s and are sitting in their parent’s sitting room where the coffee table is covered with beautifully arranged Christmas cards (there are 17 in total). Nearby is an additional few Christmas cards waiting to be added to the pile on the coffee table. Alex no longer lives at home, but Bernie is either still living there or has returned to the parental nest. Both siblings have spent time living in London, though they weren’t there at the same time.Bernie is already lounging on the sofa when Alex enters.Alex After the family saga that was yesterday, how can you look so happy.Bernie I’m organising Christmas this yearAlex I thought Mum/Bernie /working through.Alex My commiserations then! Where’s the gin?Bernie You don’t understand: it’s just you and me and the cat.Alex I don’t believe itBernie I know. It’s wonderful news though isn’t it.Alex No months of planning! No tears of frustration!Bernie No tempers being lost. …Alex How did you manage that?Bernie part coincidence. Part good timing. I plan to leave it all to the week before. Then have an orgy in the kitchen.Alex Typical! (starts reminiscing) That’s what we did in London. Two of us went shopping in the week before Christmas and stocked up. With the trains shut down we couldn’t go anywhere so the plan was just to hole up with enough food and booze to get us through. On Christmas morning I seasoned the meat and threw the vegies in the oven and was back upstairs in time for the obligatory skype call with the family /back home.Bernie (Has heard all this before) I know, and you even had your own bar… out on the verandah. So simple.Alex It didn’t make sense to clutter up the fridge. Though, even with the house empty we had too much cider to fit it all in.So, a London Christmas in Australia.Bernie Something like that. Pity it’s not cold enough.Alex Even if we crank up the air con?Bernie Come on! We’ve never had air con!Alex I forget. Hard to believe I lived without it for so long.You know I never did learn to pack the grog and the leg of lamb into the fridge at the same time.Bernie Try a foot long gammon roast as well. And a bowl of eggnog; the real stuff?Alex (looks confused) Your London Christmas?Bernie House full of Canadians. They made the best eggnog. This year we’ll put the egg nog in the freezer and cook the meat a-sap.Alex You still planning to do a roast? In the middle of summer?Bernie Cold cuts: you always preferred them that way.Alex I was hoping you’d do seafood given you’re always moaning about its absence.Bernie It just won’t last.Alex What you mean to say is the cat was too inclined to help.Bernie (acquiesced guiltily) …before I’d even started preparing it.Alex You trained her. So roast… lamb?Bernie And/Or a ham. (Picturing it all in front of them) …with amazing salads, truffles, an icecream bombe and… maybe a custard or something.Alex (incredulous) I thought you said no preparations?Bernie I did.Alex Okay. This menu, as opposed to what?Bernie The usual.Alex Oh. So you expect you, me and the cat to eat all of that?Bernie Over three or so days.Alex And drinks?Bernie You’re buying. I drink anything remember, unlike you.Alex So Sangria and Beer?Bernie I’ll uninvited you.Alex What?Bernie Anything but Sangria. You know I can’t stomach the stuff.Alex since when?Bernie since Spain.Alex (understanding) Ohh! Want me to get you Pimms instead?Bernie I can do that. Gin and Elderflower is also nice if you feel inspired. Oh, and you can invite Adam too if you want.Alex You, me, the cat and Adam?Bernie Why not. Haven’t you always wanted a cosy Christmas?Alex I still don’t understand how you got those numbers.Bernie A widespread hatred of organising Christmas… or something like that.Alex They can’t all be boycotting Christmas. Particularly given they knew it was your turn.Bernie that’s something you’re more likely to do.A widespread hatred of my cooking?Alex nice try.Bernie They just won’t be around.Alex But they can’t all be away.Bernie According to my calculations…Alex Does that mean no family obligations, period?Bernie Sorry, nope. Pop still expects us to make Baci for him and you know that takes all day.Alex And that’s not counting the cleaning up afterwards. Rope Julia in. After all he’s her grandfather too.Bernie It’s worth a try. No expectations though.Alex That’s not too bad: I was expecting him to want us to make biscotti, sienna-cake, shortbread…Bernie That too. I said we’d see.Alex And Aunty Pat wants someone to do her Christmas shopping for her.Bernie Well I did it last year. It’s your turn.Alex I don’t have time to buy my own gifts, let alone hers. Please can you do it? In fact, can you just do all of my Christmas shopping for me.Bernie I have my own to do.Alex Good, so when you’re doing yours, can you get something from me too.Bernie Doing my own shopping is hard enough. I mean, what do you get for people who have everything?Alex Well, Dad wants a ferret if that helps.Bernie Why?Alex Why are you asking me? You know what he’s like.Bernie Fine. I’ll get him trousers.Alex You’re as batty as himBernie Well, if he wants a ferret, trousers will help him catch one.Alex Right!!!I’ll pay you?Bernie What?Alex To do my Christmas shopping. I’ll pay you.Bernie How much?Alex Your usual hourly rate… at a family discount. Plus expenses.Bernie any time limits?Alex One day at a time, so I know the speed at which you shopBernie you know the speed at which I shopAlex Shopping for yourself is completely different.I’ll draft a guideline of gift ideas and maximum expenditure. Anything over is subtracted from your wage.Bernie And anything under?Alex If the present’s awesome I’ll give you a cut.Bernie 50/50?Alex You’ll cost me a fortuneBernie I’m saving you time. Isn’t that the most precious of commodities.Alex True.Bernie Think of it as my Christmas present to youAlex I’m paying for my own Christmas present? You’re hoping! If I’m paying you to shop you still need to get me a Christmas present.Bernie You drive a hard bargain. That’s ok. I’ve decided to get you a herb gardenAlex I don’t cookBernie But you wanted thyme.Alex You’re rivalling Dad in the quality of your jokes.Bernie Why thankyou.Do I have to do it before Christmas or can I wait until the sales?Alex Wait until the sales? The boxing day sales?Bernie No one’s here. And you can’t open presents before Christmas.Alex NO!Bernie …would make life a hell of a lot easier.Alex (starts playing with the cards on the coffee table, perhaps straightening them up) I still can’t believe they’ll all not be here.Bernie I know. Heavenly isn’t it.Alex Pop and Anne?Bernie He’s planned a cruise around Asia. (one card accidentally falls down) She’s with her family. (Alex knocks another card down)A They’re not planning to join us?Bernie No. they’ve organised to go out for lunch and then have coffee at her daughter’s. (Alex causes two more cards fall down)Alex Grandma ?Bernie Too unwell to leave the nursing home. I promised we’d visit on the 23rd (another card is toppled by Alex)Alex I suppose she no longer knows what day it is anyway. Great-Uncle Philip and that lot?Bernie They don’t usually come if Pop’s not here. And we’ve both ensured he knows about Pop’s cruise. (Alex topples another two cards)Alex Cheeky! Aunty Martha and Uncle Dan?Bernie Travelling. (Alex: two more cards fall) Not sure where but it’s been on the cards for ages.Alex What do you mean ‘not sure where’Bernie Last I heard they were still arguing over where to head once they’d hit Malta.Alex Let me guess: Italy versus Greece!Bernie …versus Egypt versus Turkey.Alex Goodness! Simon?Bernie I think he said he was heading down south with friends. He mentioned renting a little house in the middle of nowhere with a view of the bush out one window and the sea out the other.Alex (lays a card down) …and he didn’t invite us?Bernie And miss out on a family free Christmas?Alex Just make sure you get the details of the house out of him.Bernie I thought it was the normal one.Alex Not with the bush out one window and the sea out the other. Peter and Mary?Bernie Her family. They’ve got extended family over from Asia and so will be wandering through the south west. They plan to be away well into the new year. (Alex knocks over another two cards with relish)Alex I wonder if they’ll meet up with SimonBernie Not if he has anything to do with it.Alex What about Jo, Jamie and Sam?Bernie We’ll see them on Christmas Eve and they’re breakfasting with his family and then dining with her other side. (Alex knocks three more cards over)Alex (There are only two cards left standing) That only leaves Mum and Dad. Are they visiting Liz for Christmas?Bernie Well, kinda, only they arrive a few days after.Alex Does that mean they’re here then?Bernie They leave Christmas Day at one in the morning or something, so they’re be travelling all day.Alex (Alex takes the last two cards off the table and starts to look at them) Wow! I can’t believe our luck.Bernie Celebratory drink? I’ve a white wine in the fridge.Alex Put the kettle on first. I need to absorb this properly.It seems too good to be true.Are you sure Mum and Dad leave Christmas morning. I thought it was the 26th.Bernie They said they were leaving on Christmas day.Alex Well if it’s the 26th they’ll have to be at the airport Christmas day, otherwise…Bernie I’m sure Mum said they left on Christmas Day.Alex Better check. I’ll ask for the itinerary. (pulls out phone). (Meanwhile, Bernie starts putting the cards back on the coffee table. Two go up) Oi, check your phone as I have a couple of messages from family.Bernie I’m not here!Alex They’re regarding ChristmasBernie Definitely not here!Please tell me they’re all confirming plans.Alex It’s not looking like it. It sounds as though they’re sounding out other optionsBernie What do you mean?Alex Jamie says her dad is looking to go away for Christmas and so are we planning anything and is there the possibility of them joining us. She’ll confirm later but they’re free for a late lunch.Bernie (Three cards go up) Later? Later when?Alex Don’t look at me.Gin! Someone said something about gin. Where’s the gin. (walks offstage)Bernie Usual place. Tonic in the fridge. Make me one.Alex When did Aunty Martha and Uncle Dan say they were due back.Bernie Can’t hear youAlex (walks back on stage) When did Aunty Martha and Uncle Dan say they were due back.Bernie Tuesday.Alex Before or after Christmas?Bernie How would I know. It’s not like I’m the one picking them up from the airport. I’m just going on what they told me.Alex Well Christmas is on a Wednesday. So are they back in time on Christmas Eve or New Year’s Eve?Bernie Planes do fly in during the fireworks, right? Maybe they’re actually back a week later, in JanuaryAlex Sorry, they definitely said December. (Another two cards go back up)Bernie Are Peter or Simon likely to how the flight details?Alex I doubt it but you can ask.Bernie I might just email Uncle Dan and get a copy from him.Alex You know, if they were planning to be here they would have asked what we wanted them to bring.Bernie True. I just can’t remember if they asked.Alex Mary just messaged; she’s having difficulty getting accommodation down south so they’re considering staying in Perth for Christmas. Would we be interested in joining the families and having one big lunch? (the remainder of the cards go up, including the few in the pile on the floor. )Bernie Here or there?Alex We have the more appropriate patio, particularly if there are 20 odd people.Bernie They have air con which will be a godsend if it’s 40 degrees again.Alex (wryly) course it will be.Bernie well pray for a thunderstormAlex We had that 5 years ago… with the 40 degree weather.Bernie Heavenly! I must have missed it.Alex (staring at the Christmas cards all neatly back on the coffee table) So does this mean we’re ending up with a normal Christmas in spite of everything?Bernie Looks like it. Just my luck!Alex (doing calculations on fingers) I think there’s actually going to be more of us than usualBernie I’m not catering!Alex You volunteered.Bernie NO! I was volunteered.Alex Maybe Mary will organise the catering.Bernie (Just looks at her sibling)Alex Here’s hoping?Bernie Don’t hold your breath.Alex Why is she a bad cook?Bernie No. just a bad organiser.Alex So, what’s the plan then?Bernie Where’s that wine?Silence reignsAlex You know there’s a simple solution. Let’s go away for Christmas.
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